


River of Time

by murksiuke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Harry, Crack, Dark Harry, Gen, Grey Harry, M/M, Marauders' Era, Muggle torture, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sane Voldemort, Time Travel, a bit - Freeform, except first 2 chapters, unhinged harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:28:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7850461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murksiuke/pseuds/murksiuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry had it figured out. He would go back and save them all. But will he be able to stick to the plan?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Updated a/n: now that its finished, i can say that its a freaking hot mess. Just... dont expect a lot, though i still think its fairly funny and good for a bit of a pick-me-up when you are in the mood for something silly and ridiculous. Have fun!
> 
>  
> 
> Un-beta'ed, and my first story, so proceed with caution. Another one of those Harry-travels-back-in-time-and-does-stuff stories!  
> Pairing undecided, but it will be Harry/male, if not gen, so if you have preferences feel free to comment!
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: i do not own Harry Potter; nor do i make money out of this. Harry Potter series rights and ownership belong to J.K. Rowling and other respective owners.  
> (did i say that right?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is basically the prologue, not much plot and possibly not that interesting, but bare with me, its short (please?)

Harry had it figured out. He would go back and save them all.

From his parents to Tom-Fucking-Riddle, from Severus Snape to himself. He might not be able to go back to Tom’s childhood, but he could, and would, make sure Tom got his whole soul back. And afterwards, well, Harry was sure he could convince the man of the disadvantages of a civil war.

With Tom sane, well, as sane as he could be, the marauders wouldn’t need much “saving”. As far as he was aware, his parents were perfectly happy, even in the midst of war. Remus will need help getting a stable job after Hogwarts, but that shouldn’t be hard to arrange. Sirius… Well, he will have to ask Tom to do something about Walburga, which, hopefully, will have the added benefit of helping Regulus.

Harry didn’t really give a damn what happened to Wormtail, even if it did make him a tad hypocritical, with the whole “saving everyone” thing. Maybe he would find the rat a job somewhere abroad, as long as it was far away from England. And if the rat ended up dead, well, who cared.

And lastly, Severus Snape. He owed the man a great debt, and he will make sure he repaid it, even if he had to sacrifice some things to do so. Harry might not be able to give him Lily, at least not as a lover, but he could try to save their friendship, as well as help him find somebody else to love. Really, Severus ended up pining after her his whole life, and sacrificing everything for her son. Not that he didn’t appreciate it, but that couldn’t be healthy. And, of course, Harry will have to make sure to get Severus as far away from Tobias as possible.

Now obviously, Harry knew that his plan, if it could even be called such, wasn’t fool proof. Hell, for all he knew, the ritual he found might not even work, or he could end up somewhere – or sometime – completely different. Still, _rek itrow_ , an old Egyptian ritual he managed to find in the Black library, was his safest bet. It would not only take him back in time, but would split the timeline, effectively creating an alternative universe and allowing him to actually change things without creating a paradox.

Of course, it wasn’t without it’s disadvantages. The main one being that it was powered by his blood, or more specifically, by the mark of the magic in his blood. Inherited magic left a mark in one’s blood, and the further it was inherited, the bigger mark it left. Muggle blood, on the other hand, had the opposite effect, and decreased the size of the mark. Squibs were the same as muggles, as they didn’t have any inherited magic. As such muggleborns, even those with squib ancestry, had no mark of their own, but they could pass one on to their children, as small as it would be.

The more Harry researched it, the more sense the pureblood hatred of muggleborns made. Not only muggleborns thought their traditions were obsolete, that “dark” creatures and magic were bad, but they also could effectively ruin their family blood.

The blood mark was not only useful for _rek itrow_ , but plenty of other rituals, wards and spells. Of course, most of them have fallen out of fashion, or were marked as “dark magic”, seeing as muggleborns and light families (at least those that married muggles and muggleborns) had trouble using and defending against magic that depended on the mark.

And as everyone knows, if those in power cannot have something, then nobody can. After Harry realized this, he tried to explain his findings to his friends, but Hermione almost cursed him for daring to say that she was somehow lesser than a pureblood, and Ron tried to take him to St. Mungo’s to see if he was cursed or drugged. After he managed to get away from them, Harry realized his friends wouldn’t understand no matter how much proof he showed them, and started to distance himself from them. It hurt at first, but after losing himself in his research once more, Harry didn’t have the time for self-pity and anger.

And now, almost two years after the final battle, Harry was ready. Due to his muggleborn mothers blood, he could only travel back to mid-seventies, but it would have to be enough.

Harry had gathered all the ingredients for the ritual, including Bennu tears, which were a pain in the ass to get even in Egypt, were the damned bird resided. Still, with the help of the vast Black and Potter fortune, he managed.

He was taking the majority of the money from the vaults with him, some in galleons, but most in gold an jewels, in hopes that it would not unbalance the economy as much. He also packed his entire book collection, after carefully spelling the authors and dates off the books that wouldn’t be written yet. That took almost a month to complete, but it was easier than figuring out how to explain books from the future. Other than money and books Harry didn’t take much, only his invisibility cloak and a few photographs that he would have to carefully hide.

With everything packed, and his trunk shrunken in his pocket, Harry took one last look around him and stepped into the ritual chamber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rek itrow - time river in Egyptian, but my translation might be very far off.  
> I hope you enjoyed yourself, no idea if i will be able to continue it considered i never wrote fanfiction before...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1976, Hogwarts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a time jump in this one (ha), as well as a pov shift! No Harry in this chapter, but Severus fans, unite!  
> Un-beta'ed, and im not exactly sure what im doing, sorry!

Severus Snape was not having a good day.

To be completely honest, he wasn’t had a good day in a very, very long time. His home life was…unpleasant and school got increasingly unbearable every year.

The Marauders had increased their ~~bullying~~ attacks once again, basking in their knowledge that the headmaster would protect them no matter what. The biased bastard would give speeches about “getting along” every year, yet continued to favor Gryffindor more than Slughorn favored his Slug club, and that said a lot about their esteemed headmaster.

The only thing that kept him in this trice-damned school was his Lily, be even she… Lately, it seemed like she was pulling away from him, only agreeing on meeting him if he begged her, sometimes not even then. Of course, Severus could understand her reluctance- when they did meet, more often than not they only ended up fighting. About his choice of friends, his interest in obscure and “dark” magic, even him picking up more and more wizarding traditions.

Honestly, Severus could understand the first two, but what in Merlin’s name was wrong with following traditions? But whenever the boy tried to explain the misconceptions about them and the so-called “dark magic”, Lily would only scream that it wasn’t light, and thus wasn’t right. After their third “talk” Lily refused to talk to him for a week, and Severus learned to avoid the topic at all costs.

It seemed, however, that even with him trying to avoid arguing, they would still end up fighting about one thing or another. This morning, for example, they were talking about their upcoming potion assignment- a heritage potion.

Lily thought it was prejudiced that they would teach about a potion that would only show their magical heritage, making the potion useless to muggleborns. Severus tried to explain that a better potion simply didn’t exist and that the several attempts made at creating a potion that worked for both muggle and magical heritage had failed miserably. The redhead only huffed that they should’ve tried harder before walking away, leaving the boy gaping at her in shock.

Surely she realized that it wasn’t as simple as that?

The Slytherin shook his head. Even though he loved Lily as a sister, he had to admit that she could be incredibly naïve. Everything was black or white to her and she refused to admit that there was anything in between. And with the war brewing outside of Hogwarts walls, that only meant one thing.

Lily would fight for the light.

Now Severus didn’t necessary agree with everything the Dark Lord said, but that didn’t mean he agreed with the light either. Both sides seemed extreme to him, with the Dark Lord wanting to wipe out muggles and muggleborns, and Dumbledore, along with the ministry, wanting to wipe out “dark” magic and wizards. Ever since he could understand what the war was about, Severus planned on leaving the country the second he graduated, taking Lily with him, of course.

It didn’t matter whether or not the war would be over by then, or who won it, he still didn’t want to do anything with either side. But now, with Lily standing strong with the light, all his dreams and plans had fallen apart. He didn’t dare to even try to talk her out of it either. It was obvious that Lily, the true Gryffindor she was, would fight for what she believed in, no matter whether she was right or not.

* * *

 

Lost in his thoughts, the Slytherin almost didn’t notice his head of the house making his way towards him.

“Mr. Snape! There you are, I was looking for you everywhere. Come now, you have been summoned to the headmaster’s office,” the chubby professor put his hand on Severus shoulder, quickly steering him in the other direction.

“The headmaster’s office? Do you know what it’s about, professor?” Severus was confused, he already had points docked this morning, when he hexed the Marauders (who hexed him first, not that it mattered to the professors), and he didn’t do anything else that could get him in trouble. Well, nothing that they could find out about at least.

“Afraid not, Mr. Snape. Now go in, no need to keep the headmaster waiting any longer. Sugar quill!” Severus hadn't even noticed that they reached their destination, and didn't have any choice but to bid the professor goodbye, and to step through the doorway the gargoyle guarded. He approached the large door leading to Dumbledore’s office, and quickly rapped it, eager to get it over it.

“Come in, Mr. Snape,” came from the within.

When Severus did so, he was surprised to be greeted not only by the headmaster, but two unfamiliar adults as well.

One of them, and elder man, was wearing fine quality robes and his whole demeanor was screaming “rich pureblood”. The man was intently staring at him, even though the famous pureblood mask showed only a bored expression.

Severus had no idea what was he doing here, but it was the other stranger that truly worried him.

The other man, a young blond, was wearing an Auror uniform of all things.

The young Slytherin tried to remember if he recently pissed off any rich purebloods, but other than the Marauders, he couldn’t think of anybody. Could Potter or Black be behind this? But no, he saw both of their parents at platform 9 ¾ at the beginning of every year, and they didn’t look anything like the man in front of him.

“Mr. Snape, please sit down,” the headmaster gestured at the chair directly in front of him.

“May I ask what is this about, headmaster?” inquired Severus, as he struggled to keep his panic behind a blank face.

“Ah, yes. I think, it would be best if Auror Smith explained everything,” with that, the Auror took a half-step forward.

“Mr. Snape, I’m afraid I came bearing bad news. Yesterday, muggle authorities found your father dead at Spinners End. We investigated it, but determined that the death was natural. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

Severus didn’t know whether to lough or to cry. On one hand, the drunken bastard was finally dead, but on the other, he lost the chance of ever getting revenge for what that man had done to him and his mother. It also raised other problems.

“What will happen to me now?” rasped the boy. The three men traded looks of variating degrees of concern. The child just had a big shock, losing his only parent like that. He shouldn’t be worrying about living arrangements.

“Now Mr. Snape, because your mother also passed away, normally, you would go to an orphanage. However, you still have living relatives, and if you wished, you could go live with them,” Said Auror Smith while gesturing at the third man.

“Mr. Snape. I am Lord Septimus Prince, your maternal grandfather. It’s a pleasure to meet you at last.” Lord Prince stepped forward, extending his hand towards the boy.

As Severus numbly shook the man’s - his grandfathers! - hand, he couldn’t help but think that perhaps today wasn’t that awful after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats it for now!  
> Now who really thinks that Tobias death was natural? *silence*  
> thought so.  
> For other things, i couldn't find Sev's grandfathers name, so i had to made up one (if anybody knows, please tell me!)  
> Im also sorry to Lily's fans, i never really forgave her for how she discarded Sev in canon, but i will try to keep bashing at the minimum. She might seem naive and biased in the beginning (because thats how i see her) but i hope that she will grow up later on.  
> Now if you see any mistakes, or just things that dont make sense/you dont like, please tell me!  
> Hope you liked it!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sweats* hey, its been a while, hasnt it?  
> My bad, uni is killing me. Its also cold. Im not very productive when its cold. Sorry?
> 
> On other news, this chapter may have turned out a bit cracky. No clue why. If you hate it, tell me, and i will try to do something about it, ok?

Harry stared at the newspaper with horror. And then he stared some more. He was having a hard time resisting the urge to bang his head against the table. On second thought, scratch that- Harry dropped the newspaper and laid his head on the table. That got him a few looks from the other patrons at the café, but he was beyond caring.

This wasn’t supposed to happen! He only wrote one measly letter to Severus grandfather, and now the muggle was dead! I mean, he probably should have expected something like that… A proud pureblood lord finding out that his grandson was abused by a muggle? And that his daughter was probably killed by the same muggle?

Harry didn’t even write that in his letter, only that the boy lived in poverty… Without knowing his roots… With a muggle relative who wasn’t fit to be a guardian... The same thing could have been, and has been, said about Harry himself, but his “home situation” didn’t even get a raised eyebrow! Lord Prince, on the other hand, not only took an anonymous letter seriously and investigated the situation, but also killed the muggle once he found the letter to be true!

Sighing, Harry raised his head and asked for the check from the nervous looking waitress. He didn’t know whether he should feel jealous of Snape for getting what he himself never got, or guilty about the murder he indirectly caused.

Finally, after leaving the café, he decided that it should be neither. The muggle was an abusive bastard who deserved nothing better than what he got, and getting jealous of Severus would be extremely childish. I mean, he came back to the past to help him, did he not? He might have not expected Lord Prince to actually do anything, but this was really the best possible outcome. Severus will have a guardian who will take care of him and will most likely inherit his grandfather’s title and assets after the man’s death.

Severus won’t have to worry about his future, safety or funds ever again.

Now obviously, Harry will have to check in on Snape from time to time, to see if he’s being taken care of properly – there was no way he would make the same mistake that was made to him – but he could practically take Severus off his “to save” list.

Except, - and here Harry had to resist banging his head again - there were still the Marauders.

And Dumbledore.

And Lily.

Ugh, curse Snape and his endlessly awful life.

Ah, well.

Everything to do with Hogwarts could be left for another day.

After all, Harry smirked to himself whilst walking down a busy street, he was Dark Lord hunting!

 

* * *

 

 

Dark Lord hunting sucked. It was cold, it was raining, and he was standing on the outskirts of a rundown muggle town. More specifically, Harry was standing before a muggle manor that has definitely seen better days.

He had a simple plan, one that he had hoped would work out.

Step one: find Voldie-pants.

Step two: patch Snake-face’s soul back together, and make him sane-ish again.

Step three: ???

Step four: profit.

Simple, nice and clean, just the way he liked it. Of course, with him being a Potter and all, having a plan, no matter how incomplete or ridiculous, meant that things would not go the way he expected.

Cue: his present situation.

Harry fired off a spell at the manor without much optimism, already having a strong hunch on what the results would be. A short moment later, a parchment popped up confirming his fears.

No wards or magical signatures what-so-ever.

Tommie-boy wasn’t here.

Harry once again had to fight the urge to bang his head against the nearest flat surface. This time, he prevailed, if only because the closest wall was wet and slimy.

Voldie wasn’t here.

He also wasn’t at the Malfoy manor.

Or the Black manor.

Neither he was at the Nott, Lestrange, or any other “dark” pureblood manor that he could think of.

That damned Riddle wasn’t anywhere.

Harry had to admit, he didn’t foresee this problem. He expected Tom-cat to live comfortably in one of his follower’s manors, perhaps living in the Riddle manor if he absolutely had to, like last time. _Next time? Whatever_. Harry has already been to Knockturn Alley for supplies, as well as Borgin and Burkes, and he hadn’t seen any sign of Pretty-boy-turned-snake-face there.

And that left Harry with two choices, neither of them looking very appealing.

Choice one: he could find a random inner-circle Death Eater, interrogate them and find out their Lords whereabouts. Pros: He had a good chance at finding Tom-Tom. Cons: the Death Eater could kill him; he could be caught by the Aurors/Voldie; and he really didn’t like the idea of torturing a magical being, a pureblood to boot.

So that choice was out.

Which left him with choice two.

Choice two was definitely not his favourite, especially after how the Snape situation went down. Still, Harry really couldn’t think of anything else, so with a sigh, he apparated back home.

He had a letter to write.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait, did you think that Harry killed Tobias? Now why on earth would you think that?  
> Just so we are clear, in the beginning, Harry sees Tobias Snape obituary in the newspaper. I hope it was more or less obvious, but still, better be careful. 
> 
> Like i said, this might have been a bit cracky. But i hope you liked it, cant wait to hear your comments and opinions!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important! Im thinking about rewriting ch.1, seeing at its mostly rambling that made some people confused. if i rewrite it, it wont change much story-vise, seeing as its the prologue, but it will be more light-hearted and cracky like ch3-4. Yay or nay?
> 
>  
> 
> There is some pov jumping in this chapter, we go from Voldie, to Harry, then back at Voldie. Should be clear because Harry refers to himself as Harry, and Voldie as Dark Lord Voldemort (at least for now)
> 
> Chapter warnings: rough animal treatment (nobody gets hurt, but still), muggle torture (somebody gets hurt)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, im not very good at regular updates, am i? Sorry *bows*
> 
> On the chapter, its still kinda cracky, though i cant tell if its more or less than the one before? I will let you decide
> 
> I got some pairing suggestions, for witch i am grateful, but i have to warn you, it might be a while to get there, and i will probably decide the paring at the last second. Sorry *bows again*

1976

_Location unknown._

 

One of the most powerful wizards alive, a man who, in just a few decades, went from virtually unknown, to the most feared Dark Lord of all time, sat contemplating whether Dark Lords were allowed to torture owls.

Muggles? Definitely. 

Intelligent magical creatures? When the situation called for it.

Animals? …Even Dark Lords had to have their limits, right? And torturing animals, no matter how insolent and annoying, how loud and distracting…

“ _Crucio_!”  Damn, he missed.

The trice damned owl continued to fly circles around his head, and the brown package tied to its leg got closer to hitting him with every passing moment.

He was a Dark Lord, for Merlins sake! Dark Lords did not get hit on the head by an owl!

“ _Stupefy_!” A red light shot from his wand, and finally, the bloody bird fell down. On his lap.

After spending the next few minutes holding his head in his hands, wondering why nothing went his way, Voldemort removed the parcel and tossed the stunned owl out of the window.

 He shot a finite after the bird at the last second, deciding that if the creature got killed, it surely would haunt him in the afterlife, just to annoy him some more.

After tossing a few finites at the package, and a diagnostic charm for good measure, he finally opened it, only to find that it contained a letter, and, what looked like three books, all covered in the same brown paper as the parcel itself.

Of course, he opened the books, first. All three of them were written in different languages, as a matter of fact, they didn’t even share the alphabet.  Luckily, translation charms were rather easy to accomplish, and a short moment later, he had three books in modern English.  Though, after reading the titles, Voldemort started to think that perhaps there wasn’t much luck involved after all.  

“ _Immortality Rites and Rituals: How, Why Should You, and Why Should You Not”_

_“So You Did Something Stupid? Dark Rituals and How to Reverse Them”_

_“Dealing with Mortality for Dummies, and What to Do When You Can Not”_

 

 

 

A few hundred miles away, a certain green-eyed wizard started to giggle, shocking everyone around him, including himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Lord Voldemort dropped down on a chair, sighing heavily and staring at the letter in front of him. He has just finished torturing a few muggles, and finally felt calm enough to be in the room without destroying those bloody books. Of course, now, that he was actually back here, he was having a hard time not sending a fiendfyre at them.

The Dark Lord shook his head. No, this was not the time for it; he had a letter to read, and a _very_ moronic sender to find. So he opened the letter and stared down at its contents.

 

_Esteemed Dark Lord,_

_It has recently come to my attention, that for some inexplicable reason, you, of all people, decided to create a horcrux, of all things._

_Not only that, you have decided to make several of them._

_As you are said to be incredibly intelligent and wise, I have come to the conclusion that you cannot possibly have known everything about horcruxes before creating them._

_As such, I am including several books, all of them talking about this particular subject, as well as including several other topics that you might find interesting._

_All of them were written by well-respected authors, that are known to be very unbiased to all forms of magic._

_I hope that you at least consider their research and opinions._

_If you have any questions, please send a letter through my owl, she knows how to find me._

_Best Wishes,_

_A Hopeful Ally_

 

The Dark Lord sat, fury clear on his face and a letter crumpled in his hand.

How dare that sniveling… Who would even dare to do something like this? How did he know!? HOW?

He couldn’t think. He needed to torture at least a couple more muggles before dealing with this. Perhaps a dozen or two.

But first,

“Accio owl!”

 

* * *

 

_Hopeful Ally,_

_You will meet me._

_You will explain how you got your information._

_You will explain how you got these books._

_You will not breathe a word about this._

_This Saturday, 11am, Diagon Alley, Camelias café_

_Do not be late._

_Lord Voldemort_

 

Harry snorted at the short letter, and petted the crumpled owl that delivered it.

Geez, that man really had no humour, and from the looks of it, the poor bird was the one to pay the price.

He shot a few diagnostic spells at the creature, making sure Tommy didn’t actually crucio the poor thing or anything.  Thankfully, the owl was only petrified, and …Accio’ed? Man, he wished he could’ve witnessed it. His owl wouldn’t have taken the rough treatment without protest, and judging from the blood around its beak, it certainly showed its displeasure.

Perhaps he could ask for the memory of it?

The man certainly demanded a lot of things, surely, he could ask for at least this?

…..maybe if he didn’t mind a _Crucio_ or two.

Harry shook his head and apparated home. It was already Friday, and he had a meeting to get ready for.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The Dark Lord sneered down at the screaming muggle, silencing him with a flick of his wand.

Today certainly made the top five of the worsts days in his life. First, that moronic owl. Then, Somebody found out about his horcruxes, and actually dared to write to him about it! And actually send him those insulting books! And then, to top it all, the bloody owl dared to bite him! And he couldn’t even do anything about it, noooo, he had to keep the bird in flying condition so he could write to the person who found out his most guarded secret!

“Crucio! Negotti! Mergio!” He fired spells at a rapid succession, causing two muggles to scream and fall to the ground, and the third one to start gushing water from his mouth and nose, only to drop dead a moment later.

The Dark Lord panted, wound up from all the anger and rage. No matter, he thought, soon enough, he could curse the person responsible.

Though perhaps, he should at least skim the bloody books. They would probably be as idiotic as the person who sent them, but at the very least, he would have a just cause to burn them, insulting titles aside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was it! Did you like it? Please tell me even if you did not *cries*
> 
> Negotti - misspelled Latin for "pain", its misspelled because canon spells are not Latin, so i didnt want to use it either, but i also didnt want random letter combinations  
> Mergio - misspelled Latin for "drown", same reasons as above


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: mention of humiliation & violence against a female character. small one though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, im back! For now, that is.
> 
> I think this turned out a bit less cracky than the one before, but thats for you to judge. 
> 
> Hope you like it!

 

 

Obsessive behaviour? Mental degradation? Physical degradation? Insanity?? Loss of magical control and power???

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL.

This couldn't be true.

That book, the one in Hogwarts, it didn’t say anything like that!

And! He performed the ritual several times already, and he was fine, damnit!

…He was, right?

The Dark Lord put his head into his hands and attempted to calm himself. Key word being attempted.

If any of this was true, then, well, then he was an idiot, wasn’t he?

But it was still possible it was all lies, right? Right?

Right. This is what is going to happen. He will perform the ritual to absorb all of his horcruxes, which will leave him exactly as he is now, thus proving that the books were a scam. Then, he would hunt down whoever dared to write to him, and torture them into insanity. And then some.

And if the books were true? As if…right?

 

* * *

 

 

_Bang._

_Bang._

_Bang._

The Dark Lord groaned, lifting his head and-

_Bang._

-dropped it once more.

Today was officially the worst day in his life. Including that awful day when a bint from Ravenclaw jumped on him and bloody kissed him in the middle of the great hall. At least then, he had the pleasure of completely humiliating her and killing her later on. But now? Not only he was the one being completely humiliated, but it was his own bloody fault, too!

Of course, it wasn’t his fault that the Hogwarts library had virtually no information about immortality rituals, nor it was his fault that he couldn’t afford to buy books that had that information.

But it was completely idiotic of him to preform that damned ritual in spite of the lack of information. Even more idiotic was the fact that he performed it multiple times. And the fact that he realized it all only now, after _getting help_ and being convinced to reabsorb his horcruxes, just left him feeling humiliated.

Yes, he admitted, he, the Dark Lord, was a bloody idiot.

And now he would owe his “hopeful ally” a debt, too.

Great.

_Bang._

Just great.

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Severus Prince,_

_Before I say anything else, I, -blurred-, do solemnly swear, that everything I write in this letter is the truth, and only the truth as I know it._

_You can, and should, ask somebody you trust whether this oath stands. If you don’t have anybody you trust, well, that sucks, but I can refer to you some books that talk about oaths._

_Now, onto the business._

_This letter, as you may already be aware, can only be read by you._

_So, if you, for some –any- reason, do not wish to stay with your grandfather, say the activation phrase at the end of the letter, and it will activate the portkey to take you to Diagon alley. From there, proceed to Gringotts, and repeat the same phrase to a goblin bank teller._

_They will give you access to one of my vaults and assist you in buying an undisclosed property of your choice. Nobody aside from you and the goblins will know about it, and the goblins will not tell anyone else. You will be able to stay there for as long as you wish, and use the money in the vault to buy whatever you need. You won't have to meet me. You will not owe me anything. You will not have to do anything you do not wish to._

_Of course, if you want, you may meet with me and I will do my best to assist you, but that is not necessary for you to do to get help._

_I do realize this letter must be terribly confusing, and I’m afraid I can’t explain my exact reasons for doing this, but I hope you believe that I only wish to help you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do so before, I’m afraid I couldn’t, but now that I can, I will do my best to help you._

_You don’t have to use the letter now; everything in it will stand, as long as it stays intact._

_Best wishes,_

_A hopeful friend_

_P.S. Geronimo_

_P.P.S.If you ever need help with anything else, perhaps with the Griffs, address a letter to Gringotts, owner of vault 717, the goblins will redirect the letter to me._

 

A lanky teen started at the letter, trying to figure out what was going on. Everything that has happened in the past month was so confusing. It started like the one before, with Griffindorks ~~bullying~~ attacking him, fighting with Lily, and studying. But then, his bastard of a father died, he found out he had a grandfather and that he would become Severus guardian. After that, he got two weeks off school for “grieving” which actually meant “for settling in with his grandfather, shopping, studying, and more shopping”.

Honestly, he bought more things in two weeks than in all of his life before, and that’s including his Hogwarts supplies.

When he said so, though, his grandfather just looked pissed off and took him out for more shopping.

And now, well, now he got a letter from some stranger, offering him sanctuary if he ever needed it.

Why on earth would somebody do that? He wasn’t special, and as far as he was aware, nobody owed him a debt.Frankly, the whole thing looked suspicious.

And –he grudgingly admitted- touching. If he got this letter while he still lived with his father, well, he would have jumped the opportunity to get out of there. And it was nice knowing that perhaps, if he ever needed to, he could always get help.

If the letter was telling the truth, that is.

He still had research to do.

“Grandfather? Could you help me with something?”

 

* * *

 

 

Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, aka The Dark Lord, aka You-Know-Who, aka etc., strolled down the busy street of Diagon alley.

While he still felt embarrassed and humiliated because of the whole “I thought the horcruxes were the shit, but they turned out to be just shit and somebody realized it before me” debate, he had to admit that otherwise, he felt pretty great.

His hair, that he thought was just naturally thinning, grew back, and his nose, that he didn’t even notice getting smaller, also grew back. He got back his muscles, too.

His magic and control where better than ever, he didn’t even need his wand anymore. His mind, as well, was clearer and sharper than ever.

Of course, he still had the whole mess he created to fix. His knights, for one, somehow became known as “Death Eaters” and all of his political plans vanished somewhere along the way. Instead of a clean and simple political takeover, his agenda, apparently, turned into a civil war.

Honestly, he had no idea why his knights didn’t say anything before.

…Perhaps it was all the torture, blackmail and killings he had done.

That will be fun to fix. Not.

Still, before attempting to fix that mess, he had a meeting to attend.

And a letter writer to deal with.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats it! Did you like it? Pleaseee tell me even if it wasnt so!
> 
> I think the reason its less cracky is Sev. Sev is so serious, isnt he? Much less insane than Harry and Voldie.  
> Oh, and no Harry this time, sorry? But we have a letter he promised to write, so thats something, right?
> 
> Alright, so if it wasnt clear, the bint from Ravenclaw is ...whats her name... Myrtle! I just thought it would be fun to give Tommy a reason to kill her (humiliation is a reason, isnt it?)
> 
> Now if you noticed any mistakes, pleaseee tell me, i cant find them myself *cries* and please review! Hope you had fun!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, some interaction! Still, the chapter is from Harry's pov, you will probably get that from all the *spoilers?* nicknames
> 
> Just, uh, dialog is not really my strong point, so if its weird or anything, pleeeease tell me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is cracky again. tell me if i overdo it?

 

 

 

 _I am going to be late!_ Thought Harry, barrelling through the busy street of Diagon alley, pushing people left and right, and trying not to drop his breakfast – a piece of toast – from his mouth.

 _Well_ , he amended whilst jumping over a baby’s stroller, _not late, but I won’t be early, either_. And he wanted to be early, god-dammit! Merlin-dammit? Mother-magic-dammit?

….

What was he thinking about again?

Oh right, he – a quick jump over a cabbage cart – was going to be late! Harry finally skidded to a stop near his destination- a café that just screamed “ _only completely ethical and lovely meetings take place here!”-_ And pulled out his wand. A couple cleaning – and drying – charms later, one Harry James Potter – and Merlin, he forgot to create himself a new name, didn’t he? Maybe he could just keep… Maybe not. – was ready to meet the most fearsome and, possibly, most insane Dark Lord in recent history. So, in the last 50 years or so.

He was forgetting something, wasn’t he? …Well, it couldn’t be that important, it would wait. He had a meeting to attend.

After casting a quick _tempus_ , and seeing it was precisely 11am, Harry stepped inside the café – managing to bump into a young girl in the process – and took a look around. It was… completely empty. Well, other than a slightly nervous waiter, and even that one ran to the kitchen as soon as he entered.

Not suspicious at all.

Harry promptly turned around, fully intent on leaving Britain for the next few weeks, except…

Except there was a rather familiar and dreadful tugging behind his navel. Harry nearly groaned out loud, quickly patting down his pockets, and yes, there it was –

The world began to quickly spin around him, everything blurring into flashes of colour, until he fell down on the floor, groaning at the impact.

\- A portkey.

Bloody great.

An abrupt tug in his hand, and he was wandless, too.

Fun.

Harry groaned again, quickly trying to apparate out, except… anti-apparition wards.

Joy.

See if he was going to trust little girls ever again.

“Are you quite done, or should I give you and my floor some time alone?”

 “Well, if you don’t mind… It’s just that it’s such a lovely floor, you understand, right?” Harry huffed, finally conceding that getting out of here – wherever it was – won’t be that easy. He had no idea how he forgot to put up protection spells this morning, but it probably had something to do with the accidentally enlarged squid at his breakfast table, the one that made him late. _Those tentacles…_ Harry shuddered. _Never again._  

“I must admit, I never had those particular thoughts about floors. However, never fear, I will not stand in the way of love. Please, carry on.”  With that, the sound of footsteps was heard, presumably leading towards the door.

“Wait! It’s alright, I'm sure I can… continue later.” Harry finally stood up, dusting off his clothes.

Quite surprisingly, he was standing in the middle of a small, cozy study, all warm tones and comfy looking furniture. Not exactly what he expected of a Dark Lord.

 “Some advice for you though, you shouldn’t treat potential allies like enemies and kidnap them.” Continued Harry, whilst curiously studying the room.

“Oh? As far as I’m concerned, I’m already treating you a good deal better than my enemies. After all, your portkey did not land you in my dungeons or, shall we say, in the middle of an ocean.” Voldie-Vold finally turned around and stepped back from the door, and _woa_. _That’s unexpected._

“Middle of an ocean? Wouldn’t they just apparate back?”  Asked Harry, trying to simultaneously picture the scenario and stare at Timmy-Tom.

“Oh, but you see”, The Dark Lord smirked, “your average magical cannot apparate unless they are standing on steady ground.”

“They could transfigurate themselves a boat.” Countered Harry, trying to remember if Dark Lords were allowed to be this attractive. There had to be a law, right?

“Unless you portkey them out during battle, when their wands are in their hands-“ Tom-Tom leaned back against the table, showing off his –admittedly impressive- legs.

“-making it more likely than not that they will drop it when they land.” Finished Harry, quickly picking up Tom-cats clues. Which was a bit hard to do when ones eyes were glued to the legs of a Dark Lord. “I hope you don’t mind, but I'm definitely using this idea sometime.”

“As long and it’s not against me or mine.” Tommie lifted an eyebrow.

“Deal. So uh, I have to say, I’m glad you took my advice?” He immediately winced after saying it, _Smooth, Harry, very smooth._

“And what makes you think I have?” Gone was the smirk – _dammit it_ – but at least the eyebrow stayed in place.

“Well, uh, you are a lot more se… handsome than in the past.” _Again, smooth. Not._

“Have we met before? Which reminds me, I don’t believe I asked for your name, ‘Potential Ally’?”

“Right, it’s Harry… or Hadrian. Horatio? Harold? Harilaos…” Trailed off Harry, shifting from one foot to the other.

“Your real name, if you please.” Sighed Ex-snake-face.

“I can’t.”

“And why not?” Eyebrow again. _Oh dear, that’s a nice eyebrow._

“Well, I haven’t decided yet. You see, my name is Harry, but Harry is short for something, right? And I have no idea what that something is. Sorta like Tom could be short for Thomas. Tommaso? We could even think of something pureblood sounding, like… Thom…eleus? Thom..itius?” Harry trailed off once again, noticing the murderous rage in Tom-Lords face. “We can think of something else if you don’t like them?” He hastened to add.

“And how, pray tell, did you learn of that name?” Hissed out Scary-Tom, clutching his wand.

“The same way I learned about the horcruxes?” Oh no, Mad-Tommy was hot too. All this lusting was making him hungry. …And his stomach was gurgling. _Too bad majority of my breakfast decided to molest me.  
_

“Which is?” Now Tommie's wand was letting out sparks, ones that were of a disturbingly similar hue to _crucio_. _Wonder if it’s because of my stomach or because of what am I saying? Probably both._

“Secret” Said Harry and immediately ducked, expecting to be cursed on the spot.

Except, there were no cursing. _Maybe he didn't hear the gurgling stomach?_

Harry lifted his head, cautiously watching Voldie-pants massage his temples.

“You didn’t curse me.”

“No.”

“…Why not?”

“ _Secret.”_ Hissed out Tommy-snake, making Harry pout.

Spoilsport.

“Fine,” huffed Harry, “Shall we talk business?”

“Very well. Perhaps over lunch?” And, the smirk was back. All praise the gods. _Also, he did hear the gurgling. Shit._

“Yes please!” If Harry had a tail, it would definitely be wagging about now. Maybe he should spell himself one?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had fun! I did warn you about the crack didnt i?  
> Sorry i ended in the middle, its 1am and my eyes are burning. sorry! next time?  
> Also, because my eyes are burning there might be more mistakes than usual, i will look it over tomorrow, but feel free to point them out yourselves!  
> Pleasseeee tell me if you liked it, also if you didnt! Pretty please?
> 
> Now, about updates: i will have exams and later my work load will be 3 times as much as it is now, so... we shall see. i might push something out at the end of january, but afterwards? *hides* i will do my best though *bows*


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we are back to Voldies pov in this chapter. Rather more serious than the one before, sorry if its disappointing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, i wanted to edit this chapter but i deleted it instead? sorry! *cries*  
> Im back! this is maybe 200 words longer than usual, but of course that means that im dead tired and i cant see straight. So, beware of typos and skipped words. I will look it over again tomorrow, but if you see anything, please tell me in the comments?  
> Hope you enjoy it!

 

 

 

Lord Voldemort stared at the young man sitting in front of him. His ' _potential ally_ ' wasn’t anything like he expected. He thought he would get a smug, arrogant magical, one that tried to lord his knowledge over him, one that demanded money and power from him.

Instead, he got an amusing young wizard that was obviously not all there in the head and didn’t have a speck of manners. Really, the way he was wolfing down the food, only stopping to ask for more, was downright deplorable. The constant leering wasn’t helping any, either. The only saving grace was the fact that he didn’t combine the two, and toned the staring down whilst he ate.

“Is there going to be dessert?” Really? He was still hungry? Was he starved whilst growing up or something?

“Yes, I’m sure the elves will bring something any moment now, Petty.”

“….Did you just call me pretty?” Oh, was his guest blushing?

“No, I called you Petty. You wanted a variation of Harry, did you not?” Smirked the Dark Lord.

“…It sounds very much like ‘pretty’, though. So please don’t call me that.” Petty was definitely blushing.

“I fail to see the problem. I can assure you, Petty, my study floor will not get jealous.” Ah, now Petty looked embarrassed and angry, how amusing.

“If you call me Petty, I’m calling you Tom, Tom.”

… _What did this brat just say?_

Lord Voldemort started to rise from his chair, thoroughly enjoying how pale his _guest_ got. He raised his wand, smirking as _Petty_ dove under the table. A quick wave of his hand, and he sat back down, patiently waiting for _Petty_ to show himself.

It took a few minutes, but finally a mop of unruly hair peeked from under the table, its owner trying- and failing- to sit back in his chair with dignity.

“No cursing again? Man, your self-control has improved wonderfully.” And again, those not-so-subtle insinuations that he knew the insolent wizard. _Or rather, that the wizard knew him_.

“You should count yourself lucky. You will also call me either the Dark Lord or Lord Voldemort. Any other name will get you punished again.” And didn’t that set Petty scrambling about once again, trying to find any sign of his punishment.

“Punished? But…Wait. No. Please tell me you didn’t!” the Dark Lords guest begged, his green eyes impossibly huge and watering quickly.

“I did. However, if you are truly that desperate, I can return _it. If_ , you sign a contract stating you will call me only the Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort, Voldemort, my Lord or Lord from now on, that is.” Smirked the Dark Lord, feeling very pleased with the situation.

“…Will you stop calling me Petty?” Asked the green eyed magical, looking rather conflicted.

“Fine, I will not call you Petty anymore.” _Out loud, that is_.

“What if we are ever in public, and we need to stay inconspicuous?”

“…Very well, we shall add a clause that I may give you permission to call me by other names or titles.”

“But what if you can’t give me permission beforehand?” Petty looked far too happy for someone who was bawling his eyes out just minutes before.

“Fine. You may call me Marvolo in those situations. But never in front of my lesser Knights and never whilst we are in direct combat against the light side.” He gave in, knowing that ~~if~~ once he took a more political route in his fighting, he would need to take up Marvolo as his name. He had yet to decide on the last name, though.

“Alright then. Shall we? I would rather get _it_ back soon, if you don’t mind.” Pouted his guest.

“Give me a moment to write up a contract. Do try to pick out a name for yourself in the meantime, would you?” The Dark Lord – _I suppose it’s Marvolo now_ – summoned some parchment and a quill, quickly writing down the terms.

 “Oh, right. Eh, let’s see. Harold sounds like an old man, Hari sounds like a girl, Hadrian - too posh, Henry - too simple… Harilaos just sounds weird. So I suppose it’s either Harrison or Horatio. Opinions?” Pondered Petty, absentmindedly spinning his fork between his fingers.

“Harrison is a surname that means ‘son of Harry’. Unless your father’s name is Harry, I would not suggest it. Are these terms agreeable?” Marvolo pushed the contract towards the unnamed magical.

“Hm, I suppose Horatio it is. Yes, this seems fine. I will need my wand to sign, though.” The newly named Horatio pushed the papers back.

“Or, you could sign them with your name.” The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes.

“…I haven’t decided on the last name yet.”

“…What a coincidence, I haven’t either.” with that, Marvolo summoned his guests wand, letting Horatio to pluck it out of the air as it sailed towards him.

The contract was quickly signed using magical signatures, both wizards eager for it to come into effect.

Soon enough, one amused- and slightly disgusted- Dark Lord was watching his guest cry over getting _it_ back, whilst quickly eating _it_ in case _it_ disappeared again.

“Pe…Horatio, I think that’s enough crying over dessert, don’t you think?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A half hour – and a few more desserts – later, they were both ready to continue with the meeting once more.

“You signed your letter as ‘Potential ally’.” Stated Marvolo.

“I did.”

"You wish to join me."

"I'm thinking about it. I do have some terms, though."

“What are they, then?”

“Let’s see…” Hummed Horatio. “No more horcruxes for one. And no more dark rituals without doing your research… No more outright civil war would be good- I mean all you are doing is killing magicals, which is rather counterproductive- oh maybe stop torturing your followers without just cause? Torture just makes them useless… What else… Oh right! No forcing children to become Death Eaters-“

“Knights of Walpurgis, please.” Interrupted Marvolo.

“-Right, no forcing to become Knights, which includes threatening, blackmailing and parent pressure. Actually, that reminds me; you should probably put a leash on a few of your Knights. I mean, some of them are mostly insane (probably because you _crucio_ them all the time) and you still let them near children? It’s outrageous!” Petty seemed to work himself up during his rant, and was practically fuming by now. Perhaps it was time for him to intervene, before his guest started to outright yell.

“All of which you mentioned I am already considering. I might not put actual leashes on anybody, but I will make sure their children are not mistreated. And if a child does not wish to fight, that’s their choice, though I do not promise you not to try to sway them- without using violence or fear- once they reach their adulthood. Does that sound satisfactory?”

“It does.” Nodded Horatio.

“Good. Now, you haven’t said in what capacity you wished to join?” The Dark Lord asked, rather curious about the answer.

“Well, I’m pretty useless in politics…But I always liked teaching. Maybe, I don’t know, I could train your Knights? I know you teach at least some of them, but you can’t have the time to properly train them all.” Mused Horatio, thinking about the Death Eaters in his days.

“You are right, some of them are rather lacking in skills these days. And because I was… unfit for a long time, I will be far too busy to train them properly” _Far too busy cleaning up the mess I made._

“Sounds good. So, do we have a deal?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats it for now! Sorry for ending out of nowhere, i couldnt find a better place to stop and its maybe 1am and my hand hurts. excuses, i know, sorry! *cries*
> 
> This is also not nearly as cracky as before, but in my defence, Tommie got his sanity back, whilst Harry/Horatio is... well you know.  
> Fun fact! I was looking at variations of Harry in this chapter, and i found "Petty" which is apparently a real name, and it sounded hilarious, so i had to put it in!
> 
> Cant wait to hear your thoughts!  
> I really hope you enjoyed it, but please tell me even if you didnt!  
> *cries*  
> Oh, and the next chapter...might take a while. i explained it (i think) at the end notes of the last chapter, but basically, i will be busy and i have no idea when i will have time for this. Sorry!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continues directly after the last chapter (first sentence is the last one from that one) . And we are back to Harry's pov!  
> Warnings: swearing. a comment about a characters not-exactly-warm feelings for their parent (no bashing or anything overly harsh though, as far as i can tell). Thats about it, though feel free to point things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important! This is (probably? maybe?) the last chapter for your pairing suggestions. I think i was rather obvious about where i think it will go in the last couple chapters, but if any of you have something against Harry/Tom(Voldie) this is when you tell me. I would also like it if you told me why! 
> 
> Surprise! Early chapter, and a rather long one (for me) at that!  
> I did this because im likely to be busy for a long time from now on, so the next chapter might be...a few months late. Give or take a few more. I really cant say. Sorry! *cries*  
> This might also be a bit less cracky than the some of the ones in the past, but i hope you still enjoy it!

 

 

_“Sounds good. So, do we have a deal?”_

“Definitely not.” Was the immediate reply.

“Wait, what?”

Harry – _Horatio?_ -  was confused. Everything was going swimmingly until now – or so he thought – yet here he was, staring at a smug Dark Lord. _Not that that’s not a pleasant sight, but did I miss something?_

“Why not?” Whined – _asked, there was definitely no whining, shut up_ – Horatio.

“Because I know virtually nothing about you, except for your attraction to my study floor-“ _and you,_ “- and the fact that you eat like a pig.” Marvie gave him a dry look.

“Excuse me? I was definitely not…well I was, but that’s because… I was hungry, dammit!” Sputtered the embarrassed man.

“Oh, I do not doubt it. Regardless, the fact is, that you have yet to tell me where, exactly, you got your information in regards to the certain… rituals I have partaken in.”

Aw, shit. Of course Voldie, especially a sane one, wouldn’t just let the matter lie. What was he supposed to say, “Well, I’m a time-traveller, we were sworn enemies in the future, and my, uh, ex-mentor? Predecessor? knew about your horcruxes and told me about them so I could kill you. Which I did, by the way.” ? Yea, that would go over _so_ well.

“That actually explains a lot.”

Harry blinked and started at the Snake Lord, who had adopted the classical thinking pose- with his hands under his chin, fingers interlocked together. _Did he just?_

“…I didn’t say that out loud, did I?” _Please say no, please say no, please…_

“That you are apparently a time-traveller from the future? You did.” _Shit. Fuck. Bloody fucking shit._

“Do you need a calming draft?” Asked an amused Dark Lord. _Amused?_

“You..You are very calm about this.” _Maybe Marv thought he was joking?_

“This is the wizarding world, Horatio. Of course I will need some sort of proof, and you will be explaining that part about killing me, but I know about at least three different ways of time-travel, though none of them seem to fit this scenario. Care to enlighten me?” Three? Harry himself knew only about two – time-turners and the _rek itrow_ – and he only found the second one after months of research… Stupid useless library.

“Uh, a ritual, called _rek itrow._ It creates a different time line so paradoxes are completely avoided.” Hopefully Snakie wouldn’t ask for a detailed explanation, that would take ages.

“Hm. Interesting. Something like that would require a tremendous amount of energy. What did you use as a focus point?” Right. Figures he would be a secret ravenclaw.

“Well, I could simply give you the book about it… If you agree not to use the ritual yourself, that is.” He spent months going through the book and researching everything in it, going through it again would be annoying. And boring. He also had that squid situation back home; it wouldn’t do to leave it for too long.

“A tad hypocritical of you, is it not?” Marvolo raised an eyebrow. _Nice._

“Probably, but if you go travelling, all of my plans would be ruined, and I would like to avoid that.” _I would also lose the chance to ask you out, if you did._

“Hmph. Well that’s fine, there is little in the past that I care about to fix, anyways. The book, if you will?”

That didn’t really surprise Horatio. Timmy didn’t care about his mother enough to try to save her, and even though his life was probably a mess right now, he wasn’t desperate enough to try to change it by abandoning his own time-line, like Harry himself did. And other than himself – and his mother to some small degree, if only because she gave birth to him- Tommy-Tom didn’t really have people he cared about. Certainly not enough to warrant time travel.

With that in mind, he unshrunk his trunk – _good thing I’m far too paranoid to leave it behind somewhere_ \- and summoned the book in question.

“Here.” He tossed it to Marvy, who immediately started looking through it.

Seeing that the now sane-ish Lord wouldn’t be done anytime soon, Harry decided to follow his example and summoned the nearest book (apart from the Dark Lords, he wasn’t suicidal). It turned out to be an incredibly dry one about the history of magical herbs, but it would do for the moment.

Who thought he would end up here, reading on the Dark Lords couch, with the said Dark Lord doing the same thing in front of him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“I wished to ask you…”

“Hmm..”

The book turned out to be actually rather interesting, explaining how during the Salem witch trials, local magicals used to put Devil's snare leafs into the fires for witch burnings, causing the muggles to become highly susceptible to suggestions that the magicals did burn and that no escapes took place.

“Horatio?”

“Hm?”

Why didn’t they use Devil’s snare as a muggle deterrent? Or even in place of _obliviate_? Devil’s snare could be-

“Pretty!”

“What?!” Bloody hell, couldn’t Voldie see he was busy? … _Wait._

“Hey, you agreed not to call me Petty anymore, you bastard!”

“And I didn’t.” Was Snake-face rolling his eyes at him? “I called you pretty.”

“.…”

“Are you blushing?”

“ _No_.” _He thinks I’m pretty?_

“If you say so.” Hummed Marvolo. “As I was trying to ask before, what is your last name?”

“Eh, didn’t we have this conversation before?”

“That was _before_ you admitted to be from the future. Now come on, there’s no harm in telling me.” _Yea right._

“Why do you want to know? So you could kill my parents?” _Again?_

“Assuming that your parents are fighting for the light side, I’m likely to kill them even without that knowledge.”

“So again, why do you want to know?”

“Merely curious. If I know which family you are from, I can roughly estimate how far you came back.” _Sneaky bastard._

“Uh-huh. And I said that my both parents were muggleborns or muggles?”

“Please. If that were the case, you couldn’t have had travelled back more than a decade.” Scoffed the red-eyed hottie.

“And what makes you think I did?” Shot back Harry.

“Simple. No wizards fitting your description, going by the name of ‘Harry’ or other variations of that name, took owls or newts in the last ten years. And your accent is far too pronounced for you to have lived anywhere but Britain. So, seeing as you are still in your twenties, you travelled further than the said ten years. Like I said, simple.”

Horatio blinked.

_Either that wasn’t simple at all or his voice is far more distracting than I thought._

“Wait, did you just say that you know the name and description of every single person who took their owls and newts in the last ten years?” _Bloody hell that’s impressive. And a bit creepy._

“Yes, yes. “ Tom-cat waved it off, “Your last name?”

Aw, what’s the worst that can happen? “Potter.”

“Hmm. And I assume the plans you mentioned include keeping your parents safe?”

“Well, yes.” _Should I have denied it?_

“Hmm, I shall do my best to remember it.” _Definitely should have denied it._

“Um, right,” _Distract him_. “Can I join your Deat- Knights then?”

“Hm _?_ I suppose so.” _It worked!_ “We will need to write up a contract for that though, a proper one.” Aw, hell, he wanted to go home soon. “You will also have to take a lineage potion to confirm you are, in fact, from the future.”

“Do we have to?” Horatio definitely didn’t pout.

“Yes.” Upps, Marvie looked angry now.

“I meant the contract, not the potion.” Harry hurried to explain.

“I wasn’t aware you are in a hurry.”

“Ah, well.” Merlin, please don’t let him blush.

“Are you blushing?” Marvolo narrowed his eyes.

Shit. 

“ _No_ ,” Squirmed Harry. “I just, well… the squid?”

“Squid?” Both Timmy-cats eyebrows were now steadily climbing up with each word from Harry’s mouth.

 “Actually, not important, I will just, uh, let the elves deal with it. Shall I go take the lineage potion now?” Right, the elves will be fine… Maybe he should send them all at once?

“Very well. And afterwards – of your claims turn out to be true- , I think you shall explain how you –supposedly- ended up killing me.”

Well, shit.

This is going to be fun.

_Not._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are done! What did you think? Please tell me? I really hope you liked it, but please tell me your opinion no matter what! *cries*
> 
> Now, i was looking for a plant that caused hallucinations for this chapter, and found devils snare. Its a real plant thats native to America, so i thought it would fit for what i wanted. Then i realized where exactly i heard of it before and squeaked. Man, what a coincidence, right?
> 
> Again, i really hope you enjoyed it, and cant wait to hear your thoughts!  
> I will see you again as soon as i can (which will likely take a while, sorry)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter! I think, at least. Came a bit out of nowhere, i know, but it seemed fitting *shrugs*  
> As a quick note to prevent confusion -  
> Bennu bird- Egyptian bird.  
> Hennu boat- some mythical Egyptian boat, its tears would basically be a splinter.  
> Warnings: author being a cock-tease. Sorry! (Spoilers-  
> it means theres some making out, possibly horribly written)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i know Im a few months late, im so sorry! *bows*
> 
> I tried to clear a few things up here; but its still probably very cracky.  
> Hope you have fun!

 

“So let me get this straight. I tried to kill you, but ended up dying myself, spent 15 years without a body, then got it back but I looked like a snake, and then, a few years later, I actually managed to kill you, except you didn’t stay dead and killed me instead?”

“Sounds about right.” Nodded Horatio.

“And then you decided that the cost of winning was too high, learned that the ‘dark side’ was right all along-“

“Well, I don’t agree on everything you stood for then-“

“-And you somehow managed to find an actual Hennu boat and traveled here?” Finished Marvolo, not paying any attention to his Pettys interruption.

“Wait, I managed to find what now?” Blinked Horatio.

“ _Rek itrow_ requires a tear of a Hennu boat.”

“No, it requires a tear of a Bennu bird. It was a bitch to find, too. Had to spend a fortune on it!” Mused the young man.

“Pett---Potter, I read the book less than an hour ago. It definitely said Hennu, not Bennu.” Frowned the Dark Lord.

Horatio and Marvolo started at each other.

And then they were both scrambling for the book.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Severus,_

 

_How are you doing? I know you have read my last letter (my owl would have reported it if it were otherwise), and you haven’t taken me up on my offer, so I sincerely hope that means you are happy with your grandfather._

_Regardless, my door will always be open for you._

_Still, I’m writing to you with a different reason in mind._

_I am in need of your potion expertise._

_Let’s say, completely hypothetically, if we took a base of moonstone, uraeus venom and a wizards blood, added 5 hellebore petals and a crocodiles heart._

_And then, again, completely hypothetically, instead of a tear of a Hennu boat, we added a tear of a Bennu bird._

_How would that affect the potions characteristics?_

_…Completely hypothetically, of course._

_Please, do not attempt to brew it, it’s extremely toxic without the proper ritual and tools._

_And no, I can’t tell you what it’s for._

_However, given a prompt reply, and a promise to forget this potion, I may be able to send you a potions recipe that you might have some fun with._

_It’s called the Wolfsbane potion, and it is yet to be published._

_Its purpose is to render a werewolf completely tame during its transformation, by leaving the human side completely in control at all time._

_Wouldn’t it be interesting if you knew a certain group that would do just about anything for this potion?_

_Including stopping their childish behaviour towards you?_

 

_I hopefully wait for your reply,_

 

_Your hopeful friend._

 

_P.S. I will send you the Wolfsbane recipe whether you know the answer to my question or not, just please reply as soon as you can!_

 

 

What kind of an idiot confuses Hennu boat and Bennu bird?

….Other than his ’His hopeful friend’, apparently.

The same hopeful friend, who somehow managed to get a yet to be published potion (as if potion masters gave those out freely), a potion, that would bring the Griff’s to their knees?

Alright, Severus decided, he will bite.

And if he ended up poisoning Lupin, well, that was fine by him.

As long as he swore the Marauders to secrecy beforehand, that is.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Hopeful friend”,_

 

_First of all, yes, I am fine. My grandfather is taking care of me, and I am ~~hap~~ content here. _

_Second off all, are you an idiot?_

_How on earth did you manage to make such an idiotic mistake?_

_I sincerely advise you to get your eyesight checked. Promptly._

_As for your question._

_Luckily for you, both Bennu and Hennu tears have relatively similar effects when combined with magical blood._

_Not so luckily for you, Bennu tears, when combined with moonstone, result in a mind-altering substance, and, with hellebore petals, it would make whoever takes the potion, rather unhinged._

_So, in short, the potion would still do whatever it was intended to do, except it would also render the consumer somewhat crazy._

_Please tell you did not take it._

 

_Exasperatedly,_

 

_Severus Snape_

 

_P.S. There is a small chance it might wear off with time, but I cannot say for sure._

 

_P.P.S. I await for my potion recipe._

 

 “He does have a point.”

“What point?” Distractedly asked Horatio whilst sending off the promised potion.

“You are an idiot.”

“Hey, I will let you know that ‘H’ is very similar looking to ‘B’, and it’s not my fault the author writes in chicken-scratch!”

“Because ‘Bennu boat’ makes a lot of sense? Just admit it, you were and idiot and it apparently rendered you mad.” Smirked Marvolo.

“Well, I guess I’m just like you in that regard, huh?” Snarled Horatio.

And then froze.

_Did he just?_

“Shit, I’m...” Horatio raised his arms and tried to apologize.

“No, no, do carry on.” The Dark Lord dangerously narrowed his eyes.

“Um” _Shit, that should not be as hot as it is._

“You were saying?” Marvolo started to come closer to him.

“I didn’t mean…” And Horatio tried to slowly inch backwards.

“No, you clearly were saying something. Repeat it for me?” Marvolo was now right next to him, and leaning closer.

“Please?” Whispered the Dark Lords right into his ear.

“I…” Horatio tried to think. _Quick, say something smart!_

“Yes?”

“I think I might be popping a boner right about now.” _WTF BRAIN?_

“Good.” Came the reply.

_Wait, wha-_

And then he was being kissed.

Well, more specifically, the esteemed Dark Lord was currently shoving him onto the table and mauling his mouth.

Horatio decided that the best idea was to go along with it.

And to give back as good as he got, of course.

With that, he wrapped his arms and legs around Marvolo, and kissed back with as much force as he could.

Soon enough, they were both panting and sprouting several rather impressive hickeys (as well as other, rather impressive things).

“Bedroom?”

“Merlin yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yes, Harry decided, whilst lying next to a sleeping Dark Lord, life was good.

He might be a bit insane, but everything else?

Worked out just as he planned.

Marvolo pierced his soul back and was relatively sane.

He promised not to start a civil war, as well as stopping with the mindless killings.

His parents will be untouched by war.

Sirius and Regulus will get an apology from their mother (who will be forced to see a mind healer).

Lupin will get a job offer for a researcher position straight out of Hogwarts, curtesy of the goblins.

Wormtail will get an offer for his dream job, in Japan. Completely made up, of course, by Horatio himself.

(Japan had very strict animagus laws, and non-registered foreigners get arrested the second they land there.

Hopefully, they will keep Wormtail in jail for a few years. Or decades.)

Severus, from the sound of it, was happy living with his grandfather.

Horatio, if needed, will do his best to help Severus find new friends, and a job position he doesn’t hate, but for now, it looked like his help won’t even be needed.

Severus could now also have endless fun with making the Marauders beg for his forgiveness, as well as for the Wolfsbane potion.

And everyone else?

Well, they will simply have to fend for themselves, won’t they?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thats it!
> 
> Please dont kill me for not being explicit, i never wrote porn in my life, and it would probably suck... Forgive me? *bows*
> 
> Thank you for sticking with me, and i hope you had fun!  
> I impatiently await for your comments and reviews!

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. Okay, so this fic is a bit (or a lot) of a hot mess, but i had fun writing it (mostly) and i hope you had fun too. If not, im sorry, but i did what i could. I suck, i know. Regardless of what you think, i would love if you commented and told me those thoughts!


End file.
